Be honest with me did these questions and thoughts ever ring in your ears? You are scrolling on your Facebook and Instagram and you see a picture of your friends quarantine life with her husband or life partner and you wonder,
‘When will it ever be my turn?’
‘Where is this man? Would I ever find him or her?’
And what’s up with this person who’s been texting me and making no clear moves, it’s so hard to read him. What’s going on with my love life. Why do I keep attracting these people into my life, people who are not looking for commitments.
Agh, I’m so burned out from work, I’m feeling lonely. Maybe I should go a friend, let’s text Malissa and see what she’s up to.
These are some of MY REAL LIFE THOUGHTS and QUESTIONS when I was single. My last real relationship was in 2007 and the next real one was in 2013, it was 6 years and 8 months of madness in the dating world and so I believe I can relate to how you might be feeling especially in the midst of this social distancing, pandemic, forget Tinder because you might be wondering if this person’s even safe for you to socialize with, there are already enough strange characters on tinder as it is! Who should I trust right now? Can I even trust in love??
Before we get into the meat of today’s blog post, I really wanted to share that the last few months, I have been attracting a lot of single female clients who are seeking support to help them with this department. These are bright women in their 30’s, clearly a leader in their field, doctors, entrepreneurs, very capable and empowered women.
Even though they have amazing opportunities happening for them in their career, one of their true dreams is to be a life partner, someone that they can grow with, laugh with, love with, share their happiness with. When I hear about their dreams, it brings me back to mine, I grew up hearing a lot of fight and conflict in my family especially in my parents marriage and even though, that was really sad to watch as a young child, I always believed in my heart that I would one day, live happily ever after with my life partner and we would create our own meaning and a different marriage for ourselves. These are the thoughts of my 3 years old! I remember that day vividly in my memory.
And just like you, I was on the hunt, I was obsessed with this happily ever after, I was obsessed with love and happiness. I used MIRC chat, ICQ, MSN, Hi5, MySpace, went out to all the right places, being at the right time, and goodness, sure it was fun but also at some point in my life, I got really tired of being disappointed, sad, rejected, being somebody’s second option, being in the friend zone for so long that I could grow into a tree.
It was clear that the real love I was looking for needed to come from me. It was 2012 and I had already been working ALOT on my self, building crazy warrior discipline, reading all the books and applying some of the techniques off the shelf and December came when I found out this man that I was talking to was also talking to so many people, some were even my cousin! That night when he dropped me off at home, I told him to f— off and for those of you who know me, I rarely use the F word unless it’s really from that space of me wanting to literally tell someone to f— off.
I realized that night that I was really DONE. I was DONE. It was a clear, strong, powerful decision so clear that the Universe heard me and guided me to this fabulous wonderful journey for the next 12 months and I finally met Victor, who’s been my wonderful, supportive life partner for almost 7 years. We are living our own unique version of happily ever after, it’s not at all like what you see in the movies, it’s real, it’s deep, the most magical part of it all is – it GROWS and I feel that was truly what was missing in all the movies we see, we miss out on seeing the real things, how a couple GROW together from a deep dark spot in their relationship.
The point is, I may not have had a chance to use Tinder but I can assure you that I can relate to your pain, frustration, disappointment and this massive loneliness that you are feeling. I can relate to the hopelessness that comes from being in this spot. That’s why I keep things so real and raw in this post and I would like to share my very first tip with you.
UNCOVER YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE
I’m offering you a short cut! I honestly wish I knew this in my 20’s but all those past have turned into such beautiful wisdom so I can be here with you! This idea came into my head when I work with clients who are single is in the very first session, help them to see their love language. This theory of the 5 love languages is by Gary Chapman and it’s a game changer.
Based on Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages these includes Quality Time, Act of Service, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmations & Gifts,
See if you can relate to this story.
I had many clients whose primary love language is Physical Touch & Words of Affirmation, meaning they love being touched, being cuddled, holding hands, having someone they can talk to and someone who can give them reassurance through words and physical presence. And so this whole time, they have been out seeking for these 2 things from people outside in the dating world, had a one-night stand and ended up feeling really sad about it because it was not fulfilling or long lasting.
When you finally find your own love language, I recommend showering yourself with those type of love but not from the outside, from you. Everything starts with you and for you, when you are able to do this for yourself, you would be treating yourself better that means, other people can learn to treat you better too. If physical touch is your love language, think of massaging yourself, hugging yourself, pleasure yourself. If quality time is your love language, how about a nice warm bath with your favorite music or indulging in your favorite book, giving yourself TIME to fully be present with who you really are and not keeping yourself so busy doing something that drowns you.
I got a really good one for you if your love language is Act of Service, you love to receive help from other people, therefore, try to delegate somethings that you normally do on your own and let other people help you virtually. Many people forget to ask for help but really, it doesn’t cost you anything to ASK and very often, when you ask, you receive and it is given.
Here’s the truth, relationships are uncertain, uncertainty is truly a part of our lives. Even when you are married to this person of your dreams, the relationship is still uncertain.
Life is uncertain and so the only certainty and security we CAN create for ourselves is to love ourselves enough, to have the ability to soothe our own loneliness and sadness and to empower ourselves back up to that space of hope again.
So this week, uncover your love language and shower yourself with this love that you have been longing for.
Do you find this post helpful? If you do, take the responsibility to share this to your friends and network! This is the time for us to really support one another.
Are you ready to move from a state of loneliness to a state of love? Are you ready to live happily ever after right now? Let me help you get there. In 2013, I didn’t get there on my own, I had a help of a transformation coach too! I am offering a free discovery call where we can connect, talk and structure a plan for you to get there faster.
Part II of this post will come soon!